These Are Things I Need

Rain on the ocean
A like heart’s swaying motion
These are things I need

Fog in the high hills
Muggy nights too warm for chills
A soft, naked back

Hushed rhythmic breathing
Quiet breezes stirring deep
Safety while I sleep

I will hold your hand
Tightly hold my ragged heart
Never let me go

Anchored in true trust
These are things I want for us
These are things I need

Nobody Cares

Nobody cares how brilliant you are.
No one cares if you have a great smile,
Or if you touch their heart.
Nobody cares about your struggles.
No one cares whether or not
You’re ‘okay’.
Because nobody cares if you make it or not.
They only care about whether or not
You influenced them.
Maybe your influence was good or bad.
Maybe you helped them learn, or maybe you made them burn.
They don’t care about the good you’ve done
unless it helped them, son.
They don’t care about your wrong,
Unless you gave them sight.
No, nobody cares if you’ve loved them
Unless you loved them right.
Nobody worries about the life you’ve lived
Unless you truly made them care
About the money that you gived
For them.
Nobody cares about
Your feelings, rain or drought.
Nobody gives a shit
About hearing you out.
Nobody gives a care
Unless your unaware,
Because they’ll always feel
That they’re better without
Your heart.
Whether in fruition
Or in a drought.
Nobody cares.

My Castle

I hate when things make me cry.

Not because I’m a man and I shouldn’t cry, but because I hate feeling vulnerable. Because I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable to things I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be vulnerable to, without my knowing that I shouldn’t have, and they hurt me. And because of those experiences, I’ve built a stronghold around the most sensitive parts of me.

Not an Iron cage, not a flimsy box, but a castle.

This stronghold doesn’t only keep things out, either. It also keeps many, many things in. A Pandora’s box, if you will.

Why a Pandora’s box? Because even though it seems impenetrable and completely unscathed by all the goings-on outside it, inside is turmoil and passion, empathy and longing. And, believe it or not, what’s inside is at constant battle with what’s not.

Inside I want unconditional love and comfort and forgiveness, but outside all you’ll ever see is someone who doesn’t give a fuck. Inside I am lonely and heartbroken, but outside all you’ll ever see is strength and independence.

I know many of you see the outside battle. I know you see me struggle with my responsibilities and my capabilities. That’s what you see. Because I don’t often let what’s inside out. I want to speak now more to what’s inside rather than what I let you see.

What I keep inside is my longing, my desire, my hopes. I long for true companionship. I desire someone who is as passionate about me as I am for her. I hope that one day I’ll break free of the idea that everything that has made me feel hope and longing is just hopes and longings. I want those to be real.

Here’s the problem: when the insides overcome the outsides I find myself in situations that require the further entrenchment of what’s truly inside. I fall in love and realize that I can never allow myself to be so vulnerable as to let my heart be open. I can’t let you truly know what my heart feels because to do that will let you know exactly how insecure and unsure of myself I am. I can’t let you know that part of me.

Why?

Because I have learned by example, and by those examples I have taught myself that no one can truly be trusted with everything in my heart, in my Pandora’s box. Because every time I have let the cat out of the bag I have been beaten, bruised, and bloodied. I can’t let you know the ‘realest’ me there is to know. I can’t let you know my heart. And I usually come to this realization after it’s already too late.

I know I’ve disappointed more than a few. I also know I wish that weren’t the case. But this is who I am right now. This is the kind of shit you’re going to have to put up with for at least a little while. You have no idea that it’s as frustrating to me as it is to you.

And because I know it’s at least as frustrating to me as it is to you, I keep it all locked away. I keep it in my Pandora’s box in the heart of my castle, and I keep that castle under lock and key, because…

You cannot understand the real me.

That’s what I’ve learned because of what I’ve been taught. Yeah, there’s probably more than a little cognitive dissonance associated with that.

Prove me wrong. I dare you. No, I double-dog dare you. Unfortunately the only way to know whether or not you’ve seen the real me is to breach my castle walls and open that Pandora’s box.

Good luck.